Abnormally Attracted to Sin
by Pretty Desdemona
Summary: ONESHOT COMPLETE It's funny how one snap decision can change the course of your life, the way you think about yourself, the way you think about the world. Especially when you have all that crazy to deal with...


For the Pairing One Hour Challenge.

Prompts:

Pairing: Lucius/Luna

Song: Abnormally Attracted to Sin by Tori Amos

Word: bloody

Setting: The dungeons in Malfoy Manor

ABNORMALLY ATTRACTED TO SIN

_"I know who you are. Tales of longing sway lost without a verse, hymns of swing lay low there by the church. Don't go in if you are abnormally attracted to sin."_

_July 9__th__, 2004_

Some people think I'm crazy you know. I thought that after Hogwarts it would get easier, that the pointing might stop, that people would think better of me. But it didn't. People still judge me.

It's ok really, because I make judgements too. I look at the people around me sometimes and I can't help thinking they're all insane, and I think that because they try _so hard_ not to act like it. They always try and cover up their crazy, like it's not there, like we haven't seen them all in their ugliest moments. My closest friends, Ginny Weasley, Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Neville Longbottom and Hermione Granger. I've seen all of them contorted in agony, with spit and snot running down their faces from the grief of the war. I know what their crazy looks like even though they're always so calm and collected and _normal_.

I think that's what makes them think I'm _not _normal. It's that I'm not pretending. I never wanted to do that. I wanted to be real, to be honest.

Now though, I don't even remember what honesty looks like anymore. Because the harsh fact of it is, that even though I was always honest before the war, I never had much to be honest about. And now there is _so _much. So much that I needed help, because one person can't have that much honesty inside them and not explode.

So I went to see a mind healer and she was really nice. She's helped me a lot, helped me sort out my head, make it all a little easier to deal with. And it was funny really because once I started seeing her, I got to realise that there was so much more to deal with than I originally thought.

You see, I have this thing called Bipolar Disorder. It's a muggle thing and I hadn't heard of it before. My mind healer, Melanie, her name is, says that it's not there because of the war. I've always had it apparently. It's just that the war made it worse.

What this means is that I have mood swings, but not like normal mood swings. Really intense ones. Some days I feel fine but then, slowly, I sink down into this depression that is crippling. I can't really describe it well but on those down days, I can't move. I really can't. Even if I'm hungry or I need to use the bathroom, I can't get up. And that just makes it worse. I cry all the time, even when I'm not sad. I just sit there and tears just keep coming for hours and hours and hours. Melanie says that I just need to accept myself when I'm like that which is hard because my head just won't shut up and the words that it throws at me make me hate myself. They're words like crazy. Words like hopeless. Worthless. Desperate. Fucked up.

But then, and here's the great part, then there's the up days. And oh wow, do I love those. They're amazing, like being on the best kinds of drugs for a whole week, only there's no yucky side effects. On those days I can do _anything_, I can move mountains with my happiness. Everyone is perfect, everything is beautiful and absolutely nothing can bring me down. Sounds pretty great, huh? But there's a bad side to that too. I spend heaps of money on up days, because I have no way of seeing the consequences of my actions; and I sleep with a lot of people because, like I said, _everyone_ is perfect.

I don't feel bad about much of that though, because that's just who I am now isn't it? And I think it's pretty great actually. I get to feel it _all_. No emotion is closed to me. I'm grateful for Bipolar. I mean, what have _you_ felt today?

Anyway, I'm moving off topic here. I'm writing this because someone told me I should write it down, and it wasn't Melanie. But it was someone that I think I can trust because he _knows_. He gets it. I know this not because he ever said that he did, but because I can see his understanding in his eyes when he looks at me.

So, I want to talk about Tuesday. It's currently Saturday night and I'm sitting here on my couch, listening to a record he gave me, and as usual, I can't stop my mind from chattering. So I thought I'd chatter to you, whoever you are.

All this sort begins and ends with last Sunday night when I made quite a radical decision. It was an up week you see, so I was feeling pretty good, pretty fearless. I was thinking about something Melanie told me, about facing some of my demons because I was talking to her about my absolute biggest demon. What was it? The war of course. And more specifically, the couple of months I spent locked in the Malfoy Dungeons.

And there I was, sitting in my flat and thinking about that time and feeling anxious because bad memories make me anxious, when suddenly I had an idea.

I could actually face the demons. Like, literally look them right in the eye.

So I called over to Hermione and Ron's place, because Hermione is my most logical friend. She always knows how to make plans and things. She's good at that.

She made me tea, like she always does and her hands are shaking a little bit. I know this is because she has another muggle disease that's kind of like mine. It's called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Her hands shaking means she's having an down day. This is one of the reasons I like her, because she can't hide her crazy anymore, just like me. She sees a mind healer too and they don't like it when you hide.

"So what's up?" she asks me, setting the tea down on the table and sitting down.

I like the way she looks at me now, it's not like how she used to. She's not condescending with me anymore, she doesn't get frustrated with me. She just likes me as I am.

"I was thinking about some of the stuff that happened during the war." I say and I can tell she's immediately uncomfortable. "I know you represented the Malfoys in their trial a couple of years ago…"

"Yeah…" she responds slowly, giving me that shrewd look that she does.

"And I thought maybe it was time I faced them. Lucius, I mean. And the Malfoy dungeons."

"Why, Luna?" Hermione asks, shocked.

"Because it's been over five years and I'm sick of dreaming about it. I want to look at it again." I say, feeling my frustration with myself leaking into my tone. "I was wondering if you could maybe help me… To do that."

"You want me to set up a meeting with Lucius?" she asks, laughing slightly in her confusion over my behaviour.

I nod decisively. That is exactly what I want her to do. I hadn't seen Lucius Malfoy since the final battle, except for his picture in the daily prophet every now and then. I knew it was a long shot, but seeing as Hermione was the only reason he wasn't in Azkaban, I figured she'd be able to pull some strings.

She sighs, "Alright, I'll see what I can do. Are you really sure about this though, Luna?"

"Yep. Super sure." I respond, smiling at her.

So then I left and I didn't have to wait long, only about a day, before Hermione owled me to tell me that 'for some unfathomable reason' he'd agreed.

And that was that.

I felt kind of proud of myself at first, that I'd taken that huge step. I realise now that there were other mitigating factors that I probably should have taken into account before I went through with it. For example, I _was _in an up week, which meant that I would have been up for pretty much anything; and on top of that, I think I was kind of bored with my life. I wanted to shake things up a bit. But ultimately, I don't regret any of it, because it _did _help.

On Tuesday afternoon, Hermione and I apparated onto the grounds of Malfoy Manor. She seemed quite comfortable, which didn't surprise me. She'd been there many times before. But I wasn't feeling so confidant as we walked up towards the house. It looks so huge and uninviting. It was the type of building that said you had to be of a particular calibre to enter it and I didn't feel like I fit the bill. On top of that, I think the reality of what I was actually about to do came crashing down on me then. But I didn't turn back. I don't know why. I knew I had the option to if I needed it, I just didn't use it.

"Are you alright?" Hermione asked me as we reached the door, her brow creased with concern.

I took a deep breath, stealing myself against what I knew was coming. "I think so."

And then she reached her hand up to the knocker that looked like a snake's head and hammered on the door.

That was the hardest moment I think. I _really _wanted to run away then. But I still didn't.

A few moments later, the door opened. And there he was, just as proud and sneering as ever.

"Mr Malfoy," said Hermione by way of a greeting, her voice clear and confident. "You remember Luna Lovegood?"

"Yes, of course." he responded smoothly, extending his hand for me to shake. I really didn't want to. Touching him just felt like a step too far. But I did anyway, because I thought that seeing as he'd extended this courtesy to me, I may as well be polite. He took my hand weakly, it wasn't a real handshake, just one of those half-assed birdlike things that men do where they kind of take your hand between their fingers and move it up and down for a moment. That pissed me off, like it always did, but I didn't say anything.

"Would you like to come in?" he asked politely, moving aside and gesturing for us to enter. Hermione smiled and walked past him while I hovered on the doorstep for a moment. "Is everything quite alright, Miss Lovegood?" he asked, but his tone wasn't really kind. It was sort of mocking.

"Yes." I responded stiffly, "Fine."

And I entered.

It's a bit funny really, what people's houses say about them as humans. Lucius's house was very fucking grand and I hated it. The whole place just looked down its nose at me, like I was nothing. And there was no soul to it, even the art was pretentious. I noticed a Monet on the wall as Lucius directed us into one of the drawing rooms and it made me want to cry.

That was _real_ art, something someone had poured their heart and soul into, a piece that had been given breath and pulse, and the only reason it was there on that wall in Malfoy Manor was because of how much money it cost. This was a place dreams and love came to die and he seemed to like it that way. That was the saddest thing.

"Tea?" asked Lucius indifferently when we sat down.

"Thanks." said Hermione immediately.

"Yes please." I responded.

"How do you take it?" he asked me.

"Three sugars, half water and half milk." I replied automatically. Lucius looked appalled but did not say anything, busying himself with the preparation.

"So." he said after the tea had been made, "I cannot deny I am not a little curious about why you two are here. Miss Granger did not offer an extended explanation in her letter."

"I thought Luna should tell you." said Hermione.

I stared down at the cup in my hands, noticing that it was shaking a little. I cleared my throat. "Well… I… uh… Thought it might be good for me to… you know, face my demons and all that."

"And what exactly does 'facing your demons and all that' have to do with me?" he asked condescendingly.

"I want to spend some time in the dungeons." I replied bluntly, beginning to feel like I'd had quite enough of his snobbery.

"Ah." he almost breathed and I could tell he was not expecting that answer and that maybe, I'd just earned a little bit of his respect. I looked at Hermione who had a positively gleeful expression on her face at his speechlessness.

Eventually, he appeared to shake himself, "And how long would this sojourn in my dungeons last?"

"The night, I was thinking." I said, enjoying his shock just as much as Hermione seemed to be.

He appeared to be on the brink of banishing me from the premises when Hermione leant forward and put a hand on his knee. "It would mean a lot to me, Mr Malfoy, if you would consent to helping Luna out. You of all people know how important it is to seek out healing."

Lucius chuckled, "Are you trying to appeal to my better nature, Miss Granger?"

Hermione grinned, "When am I not?"

Lucius seemed to teeter on the edge of something for a moment, before he sighed and said, "Alright. If you must."

To be honest, I didn't really understand why he'd agreed. I could tell he didn't like me, that he thought I was uncouth, and no matter how good his understanding with Hermione seemed to be, he was under no obligation to say yes. It's not like he would be put out if he'd said no. Lucius was just as hard and unfeeling as I always thought him to be.

But really, I kind of liked him. No, seriously. I know how odd that sounds but I could tell that for all his pretty manners and what seemed to be a borderline obsession with propriety, he didn't hide his crazy. And you know me, I like the ones that don't hide it.

How could I tell? Well, Lucius's crazy is all about his ability to be cruel isn't it? His coldness. And he wasn't trying to be better than that, wasn't trying to be warm or welcoming. He was just being him. Don't get me wrong, I knew there was a whole mess of other crazy he had living under his skin but at least he was showing some of it.

A little while later, after some brief and strained pleasantries had been exchanged, Hermione left and it was just me and him, standing in the entrance hall awkwardly.

"Would you like me to show you the way?" he asked and I nodded.

He immediately swept off, clearly expecting me to follow him. And I did, having to jog a little to keep up with his long strides.

Malfoy Manor is like a maze, carefully constructed to make you feel lost. I was amazed he knew where he was going. But nevertheless, eventually we came a great stone set of stairs leading downwards and I knew where we were. I knew what was coming.

He didn't stop, just continued on down the steps and after a pause, I followed him. Then there was a door which he had to unlock, and then we were there.

We were there.

Oh my god… It was awful. I can't even begin to describe it to you. Seeing the dungeon again just absolutely crippled me. If it hadn't been for Lucius lighting his wand, I would have just stood there in the darkness and cried.

I think it was the smell of it that really hit me. Like old earth and dampness and familiarity. And it was so _cold_. Being the middle of July, I didn't bring a jumper or a cloak and immediately I began to shiver.

"Will that be all?" he asked making back towards the door without waiting for my response. I could tell then that he didn't want to be down there either.

"Please don't go." I said instinctually. I so wasn't ready to be in that place alone. "Not yet."

To my absolute surprise, he stopped and moved to stand by the door, waiting patiently. He didn't say anything, just stood there and watched. His presence helped me. It really did.

After some time, I found I could move again and I walked over to the spot that Mr Ollivander and I used to sit in, in the corner. I began looking around on the ground.

"There used to be a nail." I said, my voice echoing off the stone.

"Excuse me?"

"There was a nail that Mr Ollivander and I used to cut our ropes when we were alone." I clarified. I wanted that nail. For some reason, it felt like I _had _to have it. That it would be quintessential to the healing. I pulled out my wand and lit it, the better to see in the darkness.

After a few fruitless minutes, I heard Lucius sigh and move towards me. When I turned around to see what he was doing, I found he was looking too, his wand light trained on the stone floor and his eyes scanning the lit area.

And that's when he changed _it_. When he changed how I looked at him.

I was absolutely speechless, I can tell you. I mean, wow. I really don't know why he decided to help me, maybe he was bored standing still near the door, or maybe he just wanted to do something kind.

And so we looked, for almost an hour, we searched the dungeon for a nail. We didn't talk or anything, the only sound was our slow, scuffling footsteps and the deliberate sounding dripping of water coming from nearby.

Just when I'd almost given up, his voice broke the silence as he called, "Is this it?"

I turned and trotted towards the light I could see on the far side of the dungeon. When I reached him, he was holding out his hand and in his palm was indeed the nail. I knew it was because of the slight bend in the end of it.

"Yes!" I cried, jumping up and down a little and clapping my hands. "Yes! You found it!"

He dropped it into my outstretched palm.

I couldn't believe it, really. It felt so nice holding that nail again, like it was proof of everything that I had been through and that I wasn't crazy. I knew then that I'd keep that nail with me for the rest of my life.

"I fear the dungeon has had enough of me for one afternoon." said Lucius abruptly, "You may stay down here, I will not lock the door. I will have one of the house elves come down to collect you when dinner has been prepared."

And with that, he swept back up the stairs without waiting for me to respond.

I hadn't really counted on that, didn't know that he'd be prepared to feed me. In fact, I had packed a couple of sandwiches in my bag for when I got hungry. But if he wanted to eat with me, I wasn't going to stop him. Either way, considering the calibre of food Lucius no doubt ate, dinner was bound to be a bit of a treat. I was kind of excited to be honest.

Now that I'd found the nail and Lucius had been with me down in the dungeons while I got used to it, I found that I didn't feel as bad as I thought I would. It was like a second home, a really, really shitty, uncomfortable second home. I had spent a couple of months there after all, it was no wonder I was slightly used to it.

So I conjured a blanket and sat down on the floor, casting a warming charm about my immediate area so I could stop shivering.

And then I just sat. I had a couple of books in my shoulder bag if I needed them but right then I was happy just sitting and being there. Of course, once I allowed my mind to still a bit, the memories came on pretty hard, echoing across the intervening years and into my head. But it was a bit like watching a sad movie. I won't deny that I cried for a bit, but I felt kind of apart from it which was relieving. I hadn't ever felt separate from those memories before. They'd always been big and loud and catastrophic, things I couldn't get away from, couldn't run from no matter how hard I tried.

I knew deep down that the feeling probably wouldn't last. It's not like I was rid of them forever or anything. But I really felt like I'd found at least some of the healing I was after. I couldn't wait to tell Melanie all about it.

At about six, a house elf suddenly popped into being in front of me, making me jump.

"Dinner is ready Miss Lovegood." it squeaked imperiously. God, even the house elves in this place were stuck up.

"Thank you…?" I said, hoping I could get it to tell me it's name.

"Louie." it responded.

"Thank you, Louie." I smiled warmly, "Would you be able to show me the way? I think I might get lost if I'm left to my own devices."

"Certainly, miss." Louie replied.

I heaved myself up off the ground and banished my conjured blanket, slipping the strap of my bag over my shoulder.

The house elf led me back through the labyrinthine Manor to the kitchens. I was sort of shocked to be honest, I'd been thinking that dinner would end up being some horrifically grand affair with Lucius sitting at one end of some ridiculously long table and me at the other. I never dreamt he'd deem himself low enough to eat in the kitchens.

But nevertheless, there he was, sitting on a stool at a floating bench that sat in the middle of the overlarge room.

"Good evening Miss Lovegood." he said shortly and stood.

I deliberately took my time sitting down just so I could watch him standing there glaring at me. It would have been impolite for him to take his seat before me, you see.

Dinner appeared to be some form of pasta which I was a bit circumspect about, seeing as I'm not a massive fan of Italian food. But I thought it might be rude if I didn't at least try it and really, it was quite nice.

"Did you find your afternoon… uh… productive?" asked Lucius civilly. But I hadn't missed his stumble over the words. It made me smile.

"Most productive. You should try it." I said, grinning and shovelling a large forkful of pasta into my mouth.

"Sitting in a cold, dank dungeon on a sunny afternoon? I think not." he responded, laughing patronisingly.

"Why not?"

"I think the answer to that would be obvious, don't you?"

"Well no, but I've just spent an enjoyable, sunny afternoon sitting in a cold, dank dungeon, haven't I?"

Lucius laughed and I could tell it was in spite of himself.

"Why don't you laugh more?" I asked because I wanted to know.

Abruptly, his face fell into a sneer. "I have nothing to laugh at, Miss Lovegood."

"Maybe it's good that I'm here then."

"Why ever would you think that?" he asked, as if this was the most absurd thing anyone had ever asked him.

"Because I just said something that made you laugh and laughing is good for the soul, don't you know."

I could tell he had absolutely no idea how to respond to this but I didn't really mind. His speechlessness was enough for me. But I figured he was clearly not a fan of laughing so I decided to turn the topic to something more serious, thinking that perhaps he'd be more comfortable with that.

"I'm sorry about your wife by the way." I said sincerely, "I know how yucky it feels to lose someone close to you. My mum died when I was nine. It feels really awful at first and I do sometimes still feel sad about it but it gets easier, don't worry."

When I looked up, I was shocked to see that Lucius did not look anything near more comfortable. In fact, he looked like he was about to lose his mind right there in front of me.

"How… how did you know?" he demanded, his voice shaking.

"Hermione told me." I replied, "She also told me not to mention it but I thought maybe you'd like to hear that it doesn't hurt forever."

I honestly thought he was going to hit me. Really I did. He looked really angry for a minute, which scared me. Lucius is ugly when he's angry. But then, all the fight seemed to leak out of him in one exhaled breath. He summoned a bottle of firewhisky and a glass from the open pantry and poured himself a drink.

"Yes, well, one does get used to it after four years." he muttered and downed his glass in one.

"I know what you mean. Do you ever get lonely though?"

He didn't seem to want to answer that, but I knew that if I waited long enough he would. People were like that. Sometimes the best thing you could do to loosen someone's tongue is to just sit and look at them quietly. Eventually they'll just get too uncomfortable in the silence.

I was happy when he didn't disappoint.

"Yes. Sometimes." he answered tightly.

I leant forward over the bench and pulled the bottle of firewhisky across the table top towards me and plucked the tumbler he was using out of his hand. I poured myself a drink.

"Would you like to have sex?" I asked.

I could say here that I really don't know why I said it but I honestly do. Lucius is an attractive man really, even thought he is a little older than me. And I felt kind of sorry for him. He didn't seem like the kind of guy who'd ever pursue a woman. Not because he didn't have the confidence, no, he has confidence coming out of his ears. I think he wouldn't do it because he'd think himself too good to chase anyone. The unfortunate side effect of that being that he didn't ever get laid. And he looked like he needed it.

On top of that, he'd helped me look for the nail and he'd treated me to dinner. I liked him. I liked the idea of fucking him. Obviously, I hadn't really thought about it up until that point but the desire had suddenly seized me and as you know, I'm not one to keep quiet when I feel something.

"I'm sorry?!" he spluttered indignantly, looking at me like I was completely insane. "Are you propositioning me?!"

"Yes." I answered matter-of-factly and looked at him expectantly as I'd done only moments earlier.

"This is not a question of… That is too say… I think… Are you _completely _out of your fucking mind?!" he shouted, incensed.

I shrugged. "Does that really have anything to do with sex? I think sex when you're out of your mind tends to be more enjoyable, don't you?"

Lucius looked at me levelly, taking a few deep breaths, his hands splayed on the counter between us. "Miss Lovegood, why on _earth_ would you want to have sex with _me_?!"

I shrugged again. "Because my pheromones react positively with your pheromones." he looked confused and I smiled, "You smell nice. I find you physically attractive."

"But I held you hostage for two bloody months!"

I tilted my head to the side, "Well for one, that wasn't entirely you. And two, you helped me find the nail. That was very important to me. I think we're about even now."

I was surprised when Lucius put his head in his hands and laughed. But it was a kind of shocked laugh, like he couldn't really believe this was happening to him.

I stood. "Come on."

His head snapped up. "What?"

"You haven't said no which sort of tells me you're not entirely opposed to the idea. So let's go."

"Now?"

"Yes. Now. Though you'll have to show me where the bedroom is. Your house is a bit ridiculous, did you know that?"

He didn't answer, just looked at me with wide, disbelieving eyes.

I held out my hand and for some reason, I wasn't really shocked when he took it. It felt nice, his skin on mine.

We walked out of the kitchen and through the halls, in the complete opposite direction to the dungeons. I was overcome again by the sheer size and complexity of the house. We walked up at least five staircases before we got to his room.

It had great, big, wooden double doors and outside these, he paused and looked at me, his hands resting on my shoulders.

"I really must insist that you take a minute to think about this, Miss Lovegood." he urged.

"I have. And I think we're past 'Miss Lovegood' by this point, Lucius." was my reply and then I stood up on my tip toes and kissed him.

He let out this breath on my face when I did it that was almost like relief. I could tell that kissing me made him happy, made him excited.

Then he opened the doors.

I don't really know how to describe what happened next. I think he wanted to keep kissing me and really, I was ok with that, but I wanted us to be naked. I've always loved the feeling of my bare chest pressed up against someone else's. It's so… sanguine. Like nothing else. You know what I mean.

So I took my clothes off and he just stared at me, his eyes moving all over my body. I didn't feel self conscious, I never do. Because I like my body. I like that it's curvy and that my skin is soft. Especially on the inside of my thighs. That's my favourite part.

When he didn't do anything for a while except look at me, I must admit I got a little impatient. So I took his clothes off and I got to look at him.

He really is beautiful, you should see him. Honestly. I mean, he's almost fifty and he looks it, but in a good way. He didn't looked like he worked out or anything but his body had this sort of naturally powerful feeling about it, probably because I'm so short and he's so tall. He wasn't chubby or stocky, just long and lean. I like that.

I wasn't like him though, wasn't content with just standing there looking. So I moved towards him and we kissed again, but it was deeper than the first time, more private and sexual. He put his hands in my hair and pulled a little bit and I think that's what made it sexual.

I so love that first time you put your tongue in someone's mouth. I know how vulgar that sounds but it really is just fantastic isn't it? It's just so wet and warm and… everything. It really makes me want more. And it did with him. Having his tongue in my mouth was insane. I felt like I was going insane. I wanted more of it and I wanted it _everywhere_.

So I pushed him towards the bed and he fell backwards onto it. But we didn't stop kissing. I couldn't have that.

I think he was shocked when I moved my hand down and wrapped it around his cock. I know foreplay is usually how you're supposed to begin these sorts of situations but as much as I enjoy it, I didn't really want that then. I just wanted to feel him.

I know how clichéd this is, but he really was big. And smooth. Oh my god. Really smooth. I wanted to pet it like an animal and I vowed that I would dedicate some time to doing just that later on. For right then though, I had other ideas.

I sat up and, in one movement, impaled myself on him. I was already wet, you see, that's how much I really, _really_ wanted this.

The sounds he made were the best part I think. It's like I was saying earlier about people's crazy and how they hide it. You can never really hide it during sex. I like to think that those sounds are all the pent up crazy coming out.

Lucius growled and moaned, not really overly loud, just low and urgent. I think it sounded nice, our voices together, because his was deep and mine was high. It was like we were harmonising. He talked to me too saying things like, "You're so _tight_." and "Fuck me. Harder." which I did, every time he ordered it.

And then I got to say it back when he pushed me onto my stomach. There was this moment, this absolutely amazing moment, when he had one had on the back of my neck and the other on my ass, and I had my hand between my legs, where I felt like I was going to fall away. Really fall away. It sounds so simple when I think about it in the context of words but being there, in that moment was beautiful. And that almost indescribable, indistinguishable show of dominance on his part was what made me come. It's what made _him_ come.

That's what was so special about all of it really, because usually, I don't do that. I don't come. Not for a long time anyway. A lot of things have to be happening simultaneously for me to come. It's like spinning plates. But I guess I was just comfortable and happy and relaxed enough in that moment.

He fell down on top of me, the sweat of our bodies mingling and making his chest slide up and down my back as he slowly rode out our orgasms by thrusting very softly and very gently. It was perfect even though it was quick. I didn't feel disappointed because I knew then that it wouldn't be the last time we did this together.

Then it was done, and he rolled off.

All I could do was smile. I was happy because he looked happy.

"Thank you." he whispered.

"I enjoyed it too," I responded, "And before your head starts chattering again, I don't regret it. Not a bit."

"Neither do I, Luna."

And then we slept. Together. And when I say together, I mean our bodies were intertwined all night and I woke up in the morning with his head on my bare chest.

At around noon the next day, after he gallantly made me breakfast, I decided it was probably time I go as Hermione would no doubt want to hear all about how my healing had gone. And I wanted to tell her it had gone well.

Before I left, we stood at the door for a moment.

"This all feels a bit unreal." I said. "I have so much to say about it and so many feelings… But I just can't articulate it at all. Do you know what I mean?"

"I do." he responded, smiling down at me, "And I think you should write it down. And when you return, you can show me what you've written."

"When I return?" I won't deny it, there was hope in my voice.

He smiled. "Yes. Perhaps we can spend an afternoon in the dungeons."

We kissed again and I walked away. I knew that wasn't the end of it, the end of us. When I'd first thought about having sex with him, I thought it might be just a one night thing, but now I don't want that. And it's not because we had some insane connection or even because we had amazing sex, really. It's because I just want to be with him, in that house, in his space. I don't know why but I do. He changed my mind about all of it. The Manor was no longer a place where love and dreams went to die.

So here I am. Writing it all down just as he suggested. And when I'm finished, I want to show it to him, just so he knows what that night was like for me, and how I feel now. This is my way of asking for one of those awful, forbidden things, I guess. This is me asking for a relationship.

You know when you meet someone, and you just love them? It's not like falling _in _love, no that's different. That comes later. I'm talking about just love, pure love. When you really care about someone, when you feel like it could be one of the great accomplishments of your life to have that wonderful human being love you back.

I feel like that about Lucius Malfoy. I love him. He needs my love and I need to give it to him. And I'm happy with that.

It was nice when I hit the down week yesterday. Because I was worried the feeling would fade with my mania, but it didn't. I feel sad and depressed and I can't move, but I still love him. Do you know how wonderful that is? When so much of my life is ruled by my mood swings and I've found this one thing that just isn't?

No?

Well I can tell you, through all of my crazy, it's glorious.

* * *

_End._

* * *

A/N I apologise sincerely for all the misspellings and such in this story! My challenge was to write 6000 words in three hours. Doesn't leave all that much room for proofreading! In fact the story was due at 8:15pm and I wrote the last word at 8:13pm. So yeah, didn't get to pick the pairing or the setting but I hope I did well with them and you all enjoy!

xx

Desdemona


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